Nonsensical Ramblings and Fictional Situations

Arbitrary Insults and Hyperbole abound

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Late Night Existentialism.

Lately I have been pondering in my spare time about how we as people choose to define ourselves by what we do or what we like. So many people today label themselves nerd, gamer, artist, jock, or whatever. When you ask someone what they do, the response is always, “I am(insert job title)”. But what if one doesn’t associate themselves with any group, or chooses to define who they are by what they do. When people ask me what is I do, my responses are, “I write” or “I do stand up comedy” or “I work here”. I am passionate about making films, but does that make me a filmmaker? I used to play guitar, does that make me a musician? I have painted a painting, does that make me an artist? Whether the answer is yes or no to any of those things, I definitely don’t feel that way. I don’t feel like anyone of those aptly describes who I am as a person. Nor do I feel that any other term describe who anyone else is as a person, and yet we constantly use these to determine who we are.

A couple years ago I had a thought one night while with a woman I was briefly seeing.

You just are. Life just is.

I don’t think I fully grasped this epiphany until now. Before I thought it might have something to do with our incessant need for self improvement, but I fully encourage people to try new things or to work on what they feel is lacking. I think now it applies more to the idea that no one can be defined, so it’s better to just accept that we are who we are. We search for our inner peace, and the meaning of life; trying to understand and categorize our existence. But there is no category for this. There are no lines on the spectrum that note emotion, logic, or morality. What is, is; and what isn’t, is not. I am going to leave you with a quote from the novel/film Solaris.

"There are no solutions, only choices."

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To the person that just sent me that note

First of all, thank you for reading. Secondly, I am well aware of the typos and grammatical errors. I will be fixing those upon revision. If you have any other comments or suggestions please do not hesitate to tell me. I know from your use of the word “butthurt” that you are from Maryland, so hit me up sometime and let me know how you are doing. Once again thank you, I really appreciate you reading my work.

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A Wolf At The Door Ch 1.

I don’t much read, and we are no longer in contact, but your postings intrigued me. I’ve only read chapter one thus far. Just a few things:

i’m not positive but i think you meant “a decision that he would soon regret”

again, i believe it should say “he had”


This just seemed worded rather funny to me.

Just some friendly critiques. Please don’t get butthurt or feel obligated to make any changes. Your stuff is great. I look forward to finding time to continue reading.

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A Wolf At The Door a novella Chapter 1

           William Turnsby has never been an impressive man. If one were to coax his coworkers into describing him, they would earnestly ask, “Who?” The most crowning achievement in his passive life has quite simply been being there; but as it may seem, this accomplishment will be the demise of William Turnsby. On this day being there will be the one thing he will wish he couldn’t do.

            Turnsby works in a small cubical on the fifth floor of a software programing company. He writes HTML codes and provides tech support for budding internet companies under new domain names. He would most often drown himself in his work, never engaging in interoffice relationships or politics. Today he decided to leave early , feeling exhausted after completing some particularly complex lines of code. As he walked down the beige and green halls, he passed by two other unpopular coworkers.

             “Well, T didn’t know what else to do so I uh… hit her,” said a poorly dressed coworker to another equally unfashionable man. “Yeah, I don’t see what else you could’ve done. Oh, hey Turnsby, Whitaker wants to see you.” Mr. Whitaker is the floor manager for the fifth floor. He is a mousy sort of man, the kind that one would not bet on in a no holds bar bare knuckle match with a sickly child.

               Turnsby rapped gently against Whitaker’s office door, which was open enough to show Mr. Whitaker reading what appeared to be the prior Sunday’s funny pages. Whitaker looked up, and as he did the glare from his bald head momentarily stupefied Turnsby; so much so that Turnsby could only muster a sheepish, “You wanted to see me?”

               “Oh, yes Turnsby, take a seat and close the door please,” Whitaker said behind his gold, perfectly round glasses. “Ah, I just love Marmaduke, don’t you?”

               “Huh? Oh, uh no. I don’t really read the comics page.”

               Whitaker gave a disappointed, almost hurt sigh. “As you may know, Jenkins your department head, has put in his two weeks notice. I was thinking of giving the position to you.”

               Turnsby sat blankly for an uncomfortable amount of time, then confusedly said, “That would be great. Thank you, sir.”

               “Granted it’s just a modest pay raise, with much more responsibility; but you’ll be moving up…,” Whitaker continued to ramble, but by then Turnsby had stopped listening. Poor William Turnsby had never given much consideration in progressing with his career. He didn’t think the subject would ever come up. He sat there pondering this new life possibility as the white noise of Whitaker sputtering about 401 investment opportunities filled the room. “I just have to run this by upstairs, but it’s pretty safe to say the job is yours,” Whitaker summed up.

               Turnsby arrived at his one bedroom apartment, which was devoid of any personality. The walls bare from missed opportunities for fond photos of times and people never met. He sat down in his lime green lazy boy, still in a stupor over the turnout of the day. He started to rest and put things out of his mind when he realized that he had forgotten to stop by the store and get a new bottle of shampoo.  He begrudgingly got up to walk to a corner store a few blocks from his building. As he walked he briefly wondered if he even needed shampoo, and why couldn’t he just use body soap to clean his short, brown hair. He walked down the hygiene isle trying not to notice things that made him uncomfortable, such as tampons and hair dye. He stood staring at the multitude of choices for hair care products, as he always did. He struggled with the same battle he had every time he was forced to buy shampoo; whether or not to buy the brand clearly marketed towards women. He decided to do so, as he did often, rationalizing that he did so only because he liked the way it made his bathroom smell after a hot shower. For good measure he also grabbed a bag of spiced beef jerky and a Maxim magazine; reaffirming that yes, he is indeed a man.

            He existed the store, surprised at how quickly the night had set in. He began to wonder exactly how long he had been in the store contemplating shampoos, and decided not to find out as whatever the answer could be would only be too depressing. He started to walk his usual way home, when he stopped in front of an alley way he never went down. It allured Turnsby as he was tired, and it would surely cut at least three blocks from his commute. He opted to take the shortcut. A decision that would he would soon regret.

             Halfway down the narrow alley Turnsby noticed a large man leaning on small, filthy dumpster smoking from what appeared to be a small metal pipe. A sudden flash of freight struck he gut. He thought about turning back, but decided that he was being irrational and cowardly. The large man noticed Turnsby and started to walk towards him. This unsettled Turnsby, as he did want to be robbed; or in a worst case scenario be sexually assaulted.

             “You’re late, asshole. You better not be fucking with me,” said Hands, the large man in the middle of the alley. He hand been given the name Hands by The Wolf, a mid level crime lord in the area, for his penchant for taking victims out with his bare hands. He wore his trade mark black leather jacket and mildly blood stained jeans.

              “I’m sorry?” said Turnsby, confused. He wondered what exactly he could be late for, his death he assumed.

               “Goddamn right you’re sorry. The Wolf doesn’t like being dicked around with,” Hands said with noticeable irritation as he lit a long filtered cigarette. He kicked a small leather bag laying beside him. “I’ve got the 15 g’s right here. Is that the horse?” Hands growled out as he nodded towards Turnsby’s bag containing his effeminate shampoo.

                “Horse?” Turnsby looked down at his bag,”I hardly think a horse could fit in here.”

                 “Don’t get smart with me, asshole. Is that the H or not?” Hands said, growing increasingly impatient.

                  “Look, I don’t know what you are talking about, I think you’ve mistaken me for someone else.” Turnsby voice quivered, and began to crack; which thoroughly embarrassed Turnsby as he did not want his last words to sound like they came from a 13 year old chronic bed wetter.

                  “What the fuck are you talking about? You trying to back out of this deal now? I’ll tell you now. There’s no fucking backing out. Either make the deal and get paid, or I shoot you in the stomach and take the smack anyway.” Hands was now all too close to Turnsby, his three day chin stumble nearly touching Turnsby’s nose.

                    “I told you, you have the wrong gu…” before Turnsby could finish his sentence Hands had punched him right in solar plexus. Turnsby fell to the ground gasping for air while Hands reached to grab the bag Turnsby had dropped on the way down.

                     “What the fuck is this? Broad’s shampoo, beef jerky, jack off mag; where the fuck is the heroin?” Hands said as he towered over Turnsby.

                     “I told you, I’m not who you are waiting on.” Turnsby managed out between gasps.

                      “Shit. I’m sorry man, but no one else comes down this alley except to make deals.” Hands blurted out, genuinely remorseful. “It’s different guys all the time, so you never know who you’ll be meeting.”

                       “It’s ok, if you just let me go home we’ll call it even.” Turnsby said as he silently thanked God.

                        “Sure thing buddy, just don’t be going to the cops about this, or I’ll have to find you.” Hands said jokingly, but Turnsby knew that it was more than true.

                         “Ha, yeah I won’t be doing that don’t worry.” Turnsby said as he planted his hand against the dumpster to get himself up. As he shifted his weight to gain leverage, the dumpster rolled into a pole propping up a broken fire escape ladder. The broken, mangled bottom of the ladder pierced right through the top of Hand’s thick skull, the end of which visible inside of his mouth, now a jar. Turnsby sat there, not a breath taken, as he stared at Hands, whose eyes were open as wide as his jaw, now oozing a slow, steady stream of blood. Hands stood there, motionless, like an avaunt-garde statue at a morose museum.

                          “Holy fuck!” Turnsby whispered, still dazed by what had happened. Footsteps at the end of the alley startled him.

                          “Hands! What the hell is going on down there?”

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You’ll probably never check your tumblr to see this, but you’re an amazing writer, and you’re gunna go far in the film industry. <3

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List of Films I Recommend

This is a list of films that I highly recommend everyone that is a lover of decent cinema to watch. There may be a few left out from this list, such asAntichristorBronson, only because I feel that it takes a special kind of viewer to enjoy. This is in no particular order, just written down as I think of them.



The Prestige


Batman Begins

The Dark Knight

The Dark Knight Rises (yes I know it hasn’t come out yet, but still see it)



The Tree of Life


Lars and the Real Girl


Any Sean Conory Bond Film

True Grit (2010)

A Serious Man

No Country For Old Men

Burn After Reading

Oh Brother Where Art Thou?

The Big Lewboski


Barton Fink

Millers Crossing

Raising Arizona

Blood Simple

The Living Wake

Monty Python and The Holy Grail


And Now For Something Completely Different

12 Monkeys

The Imaginiurm of Dr. Parnassus

American Pyscho

The Road

The Machinist

The Mist

Rescue Dawn

Apocalypse Now

Sin Nombre


Wristcutters: A Love Story

A Film With Me In It


Brothers Bloom

Royal Tenebaums

Bottle Rocket

The Darjeeling Limited

Fantastic Mr. Fox

The Thin Red Line


Batman Returns

Batman Mask of the Phantasom

Batman Beyond Return of the Joker

The Shining

2001: A Space Odyssey

Dr. Strangelove

Dumb and Dumber

The Other Guys



Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Chasing Amy


Waking Life

A Scanner Darkly

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock- yeah its a BBC series and not a movie but its still that fucking good

The Grey

Tinker Tailor Solider Spy

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

The Departed

Good Fellas

Scott Pilgrim Vs The World 



Hot Tub Timemachine

The Pest

Billy Madison

Happy Gilmore

The Jerk

A History Of Violence

American History X

Fight Club


The Game

Evil Dead

Evil Dead 2

Army of Darkness


Duck Soup

A Night at the Opera


Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind



Robin Hood (the animated one)

Lady and the Tramp


Oliver and Company

Indiana Jones

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Back to the Future

Back to the Future 2

Back to the Future 3

Reservoir Dogs

Pulp Fiction

Inglorious Basterds


I know I’m leaving stuff out so I will probably update this post here and there. Hope you enjoy!

p.s. Fuck E.T.!

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A Russian Blog

Hello. My name is Vladimir Vermuske. Call me Vlad. I like to tell you about myself. I growed up in war torn Uzbekistan. When I was four and my sister Catiya just born my mother sold us for a sack of potatoes to poor potato farmer. After he realized we were not American children he could ransom, he throwed us in back dumpster behind only McDonalds. I lost Catiya for 3 years. When I was 7 i live in trunk of abandon car. I cut off chunks of my leg to survive. I pulled out teeth to make tip for spear to kill the birds. There were no birds. I found Catiya, but then Russian mafia kidnapped her and made me be a hitman. I kill for 10 year, but escape to America. I have not seen Catiya for 16 year, she is probably prostitute or dead. Maybe I find her someday. Now I live in America. I like talking to beauty women. I want to make nice talk with them and have the sexy time. To many gay boy in America though. Vlad don’t like gay boy’s that eat to many burger. Any beauty like Vlad Blog please talk to me. I like beauty.

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How MMA fights could be better…

        To be completely honest, I do not much care for MMA fights. They tend to end up with two sweaty dudes hugging each other, softly caressing the other until they pass out from exhaustion. I for one don’t want to see that, and who would? Seriously, if I wanted to see man on man action like that I’d just go down to one of the rainbow colored bars downtown. And I hate when people say, “Dude they could kick your ass.” So what, I bet a lot of people can. That doesn’t make someone fun to watch. There are no Muhammad Ali’s or Sugar Ray Lenard’s in MMA; so I propose a solution, one that I feel will make the fights infinitely more entertaining.

Get the fighters extremely drunk before each fight.

        Think about it. Before each game the coaches would force feed two fighters a fifth of jack, tell them that the opposed just called their mother a whore, and push them out to the octagon. Each fighter would then stumble in, maybe do a little trash talking, vomit, and then fight. Who even knows if they would wait for the bell. Those fights would start and stop when the fighters feel like it. Hell, why even put them in a ring? You could just throw them into an empty field and televise that. Everyone stand in a circle around them and yell fight fight fight! Like when we were all in middle school.

         So the next time you watch Pacquiao dislocate some guys shoulder, imagine him doing it extremely drunk whilst crying.  Tell me that it wouldn’t be a trillion times better.